Friday, November 14, 2014

"what do you wanna do when you're older?"

 I feel like my life has been one huge existential crisis since September.
From careers classes to reading depressing retrospective poetry in English I've suddenly realised - I'm growing up. And someday everything I'm familiar with now, everything I'm feeling, will just be a memory. HOW TERRIFYING IS THAT? There's a quote in one of my favourite films, 500 days of summer, that makes me kind of sad, 
"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin and they end with no lasting memory made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life." 
Sure, it's just stating a fact, but doesn't it highlight how mundane life really is? I'm probably not going to remember today because I did nothing special. And if you asked me what happened on November 14th 2011, I couldn't tell you. Sometimes I feel motivated, carpe diem and all that, but most days I grudgingly wake up after hitting the snooze button too many times, scrape my way through school and come home exhausted. Then repeat.
For six years now, or longer if you include primary school, I've been stuck in this routine and so the fact that it's all going to change soon... is one that I'm still getting used to. 

"What do you want to do when you're older?"
A question regularly asked by adults when you turn seventeen. And the truth is, I don't really know. I have a vague idea, an outline but the thought of applying to universities makes me feel nauseous. Not because I don't want to go to uni, I do, but since it's so expensive I have to be sure that the course I do is right for me. And how am I supposed to know what course is right for me?! When I think about my dream job it's not really a specific career but a bunch of things - I want to write for a magazine but also write books. I want to go to meetings, pitch ideas, organise things. I want to take photos, live in a city, travel.

And then there's the whole financial thing. Sure I can dream about running around London or New York, coffee in hand but how could I ever afford that? I'm not delusional, I know you can't just leave school and move into a pretty apartment that you'll come back to every evening after your creative, fulfilling job. 

Yet despite everything I've said, all my fears and worries about the years to come, at this stage in my life I feel like I have the ability to do anything. Go to China? Sure why not. Write a novel? Easy. Marry Harry Styles? Pfffff piece of cake. 
They say you get less fearless when you grow up. You realise that you're not invincible or special and that the world keeps spinning long after you've gone. Maybe that's the feeling adults remember when they reminisce about their teenage years - that courage, confidence and belief in ourselves that we have. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm a confident person but I dream big and since nothing has come in the way of those dreams yet, why would I not believe they'll come true?

The point of this post? I guess to reassure anyone else who is utterly confused but also hopeful about the future - you're not alone. Whether you know exactly what you want to do and where you want to go or you literally haven't got a notion, I think everyone feels the same way. It's terrifying. But here is to hoping that life won't be so bad... hey, it might even be kinda good.

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  1. I tell my parents you're gonna be editor of some vogue-like cooler innovative alternative magazine by the time you're like 21 and I am always right so

  2. Loved this post! totally spoke out to me, even if you do know what you want to do, you are still never sure if you'll like it or get a great job out of it! go out and chase your dreams and don't stop until you reach em!

    Jennos Health.

    1. Aww thanks Jenny, I'm glad! And you're right about the fact that nobody knows how life will turn out even if you've got a plan x

  3. I love the honesty of post! Sometimes it's hard to stay positive especially when you're days are wasted so maybe we should start making memories... It's sometime I think I will try my hardest to do :)

    Alice x

    1. Thank you Alice! And I agree but it's easier said than done, isn't it? x

  4. You would be a great journalist if you ever decided to go down that path :)
    - F -

  5. I completely loved this post. I have been experiencing the same feelings and worries too recently, and I cant believe you were able to sum it all up in one post.
    Miss Bows

  6. I feel you Niamh! Beautiful post. :D It's the fact that we have to stop being dreamers now and actually come up with some form of plans... with all finances considered... that scares me. It's far more difficult for us that don't have a clear idea in mind. Let's hope it all works out ok!
    lily x

  7. I think the thing with life is that we cannot plan where we end up, we kind of just fall into where we're meant to be! Like yeah sure, I've decided what university I want to go to/what course I want to do, but I have no idea where that's going to lead me in 10 years time, nor am I worried about it. Just let life take you where it wants to take you :)
    Megan x


I'd absolutely love to hear your thoughts on this one...